how else will we go on?
when you say that i am just young
I am tired of having shitty experiences which inevitably include me feeling small, insignificant, and violated, as a result of dealing with Toronto Dominion Canada Trust.
I will edit this later. I am too excited and too angry to do it right now. I’ve decided which credit union to go with, which has alleviated some of my feelings from being violated. I ranted to a roommate who lent a sympathetic ear about the deplorable bullshit that inevitably accompanies the existence of BANKS.
FUCK YOU ROBERT-AT-TD.
FUCK YOU GOVERNMENT FOR NOSING IN MY PERSONAL INFORMATION WITHOUT MY KNOWING.
FUCK EVERYONE WHO BOWS THEIR HEAD WHEN THEY FEEL THAT INSTEAD THEY SHOULD BE SAYING NO.
So, about six years ago when I embarked upon the godawful but unregrettable journey called university, I looked for a recording program for myself that didn’t cost at least 700 dollars (free was ideal), was not a hack version, and also did not require me to wait for a computery friend to get a copy of said program for me.
I searched extremely vigourously on the interwebs for such a program, and EUREKA! I stumbled across a nice little piece called REAPER (Rapid Environment for Audio Production, Engineering, and Recording).
The version I discovered was a simple multi-track program which could turn my samples, clips, and other recorded or imported media into single units of digestible MP3s. I was ecstatic. It was/is free. I could overlay my own (or others’) recordings. It is shareware with no copy license. It is constantly being updated, and has all the versions available for download, here:
I still have an old version, which works fine for me (in all honesty I think the latest version would fry my computer, but that doesn’t take much indeed). What I am trying to say, is that this has been an overall pleasant experience for me.
In order to convert the .wav files to .mp3, I had to download the .lame codec and put it in the same folder as reaper (I had no idea to do this until my girlfriend at the time, a whiz at computers, showed me).
I used to record micing right into Reaper, but that was messy and my mic broke anyways. Most recently, I have started to use a small digital recorder to take samples. It’s a Panasonic RR-U5551, which is pretty simple but really does the trick. I was having problems getting the mp3s imported into Reaper, but after a few hours of troubleshooting I discovered it could work out if I changed my recorder setting from LP (long play) to XP (high quality). Digitally, I have no idea what this means. But what it means for me is that Reaper is now capable of building the sound peaks properly so I can now manipulate the imported clips.
DIY recording, at decent quality
The background noise is pretty damned minimal - I have my recorder set to: manual (vs wide or zoom), XP (discussed above), Mono (for stereo-less sound systems, but really, how is a small voice-recorder going to pick up stereo sound?), and Mic volume at low.
So I have to sing and play out, but that’s the sound I’m going for anyways.
When I am actually recording, I have the mic pointed towards me, and the device about 2 feet from my self and the guitar.
Finishing my ‘album’ (collection of fiddlings for my favourite people)
Finding out what else I can do with Reaper?
Growing and Moving on to other creative endeavours.
single-cell evolve to multi-celled
= a really awesome start to my search for what I’ve started to already find. Relates computing mechanisms that are beginning to emerge/emerging and biological phenomena that occurred when things started to become organized. Super meta.
Of particular interest is that this person has outlined 4 principles which have allowed multi-cellularity to become an advantageous evolutionary move.
Specialization, Polymorphic messaging, stigmergy, apoptosis. I want to know more about apoptosis.
Further reading please:
symbiosis (the adoption of technology, like the co-option of mitochondria/chloroplasts)
If I were to write a paper on these things, what would it do? Point out a phenomenon that people were already observing? No. My awareness of the world includes finding out how things work in one realm, applying the principles to a new realm. What sort of experiments have we done when investigating multicellularity? Ohgod, so broad. But what I mean to point out is that finding connections and parallels is the FUNNEST SHIT EVER.
I’m also interested to know… I’m observing these things happening. What predictive power does this framework of thinking offer? Are there actually ever any new ideas? Phenomena? Where does malice come from? Like, oh god, I don’t want heart worms. How can a so-seeming “biologically-organized” group of people have a hand in what they become? How can we become plants? How can we avoid becoming parasitic worms which kill and infect the host? Maybe I can only choose what I become. I suppose I wish that I could prevent parasitism… but I am only one.
How multicellularity appears to me: each cell has all the information any other cell does, but it can only perform its specialized duty. Cells communicate with one another via different means. Hormones, electricity, chemistry.
and this is news: (like this year)
let’s be evolutionary forces!
“Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.” ~Benjamin Disraeli”
We often experience resentment toward other people when we find it hard to forgive them and hold onto unspoken pain.
Whenever we feel we’ve been treated unfairly, judged, or wronged, we have a very powerful internal reaction.
The emotions we experience are strong. We feel them intensely and deeply, because they challenge us to reassess the self-image we hold of ourselves.
The unexpressed painful emotions we experience as a result of other peoples’ actions have the potential to transform into resentment if they are not released in a healthy, effective, and timely way.
Resentment lives inside us, feeding on our negative feelings and emotions. It becomes stronger the longer it is ignored. It can mutate and develop into a warped veil, which prevents us from seeing the world from a healthy, balanced perspective.
If left unresolved, resentment has the power to be all consuming, and is very effective at fuelling anger.
In turn, unexpressed, internalized anger is a ticking time-bomb which can lead to abusive or self-destructive behavior, or a combination of both.
Resentment is a very personal and private emotion, as it has almost no effect on the person it is directed towards.
It resides with its owner, and causes negativity and pain.
Given a conducive set of circumstances and enough time, I can experience resentment on a powerful scale. I believe this is, in part, rooted in my formative years. I was brought up in a home where expressing strong, “negative” emotions was prohibited.
I grew up believing it was unacceptable to express hurt, disappointment, frustration, or anger toward the people who evoked these very emotions in me.
By the time I reached my teen years, I had unwittingly yet wholeheartedly perfected the internalization of painful emotions.
Resentment had found a comfortable home inside me, neighbored by my reluctance and fear of expressing myself.
Whenever anyone hurt me, intentionally or otherwise, I would simply deny my emotions by storing them in a box inside me labelled “deal with this later.” However, later never came. What did come was resentment toward the people who’d hurt me—that and anger.
At the time, I saw this as a kind of pay-off. “If I keep my feelings hidden and unexpressed, then I don’t have to risk jeopardizing the quality of my relationship with this person.”
In truth, I was terrified of rejection.
This fear fuelled my reluctance to express my pain to the people who’d hurt me. Ultimately, the person who I ended up hurting the most was me.
As a young adult I began to reflect; to try to understand how my behavior, reactions, and choices were affecting my overall well-being and happiness in life.
At first, I felt weak for not being able to consciously override my existing behavior patterns and simply create newer, healthier thought processes and actions.
I wanted more for myself than a life limited by my own self-imposed parameters.
It took a lot of honest and thoughtful self examination to begin to realize, understand, and accept what was preventing me from living a life free from bitterness.
After years of denying myself the full spectrum of my emotions, I resented anyone who stirred powerful, “negative” feelings inside me. My resentment toward others was intrinsically linked to my own inability to express painful emotions.
Looking back, I feel that if I had expressed myself more truthfully, I would not have clung so desperately to the resentment and anger. I also believe I would have welcomed forgiveness and been able to enjoy closer relationships with others more readily.
Everyone needs to express themselves. This is not a luxury; this is an absolute necessity.
To be fully free and completely ourselves, we must feel comfortable enough to outwardly express our emotions, whatever form they take.
If you are experiencing feelings of resentment, here are a few tips that may help you to let go and move forward:
When we deny our feelings, we are denying the truth. What kind of life are we living if we are not living truthfully?
Allowing ourselves to feel our full range of emotions is not only liberating and necessary, but it also helps cleanse us of negativity which we may be subconsciously holding on to.
Many of us are conditioned to see emotions as “good” and “bad.” To regard the complexity of emotions as either black or white belies the learning opportunities which are embedded and disguised in experiencing them.
For example, jealousy could be regarded as a “bad” emotion, however if we open our minds and hearts, we could also see that this emotion is our own personal doorway to learning more about fear, trust, and connection.
When someone hurts us, intentionally or accidentally, we have a responsibility to ourselves to express our pain.
This needn’t be self indulgent or pitiful, but an understanding that it is our right to express that pain in an effective, healthy manner which helps us to let go and move forward.
The next time you experience a strong emotion such as fear, hurt, disappointment, anger, fury, or panic, try using this simple mantra:
“Right now I feel (INSERT EMOTION). I give myself permission to feel (INSERT EMOTION) because I have a right to express myself and my emotions.”
When we stop trying to control our feelings, and start embracing the colorful way in which our hearts communicate with us, life begins to teach us our most important lessons.
Communicate your feelings
It takes huge strength and courage to express and communicate our pain to the people who hurt us. In doing so, we expose our vulnerable side—the very part that we want to protect and keep safe.
But when we communicate painful emotions, we take a step outside of our comfort zone and into a wonderful learning and growth opportunity.
The next time someone’s actions hurt you, try telling them how you feel. For example, “When you raise your voice, I feel scared and disrespected,” or “When you ignore me, it makes me feel unappreciated.” Choose the right words to convey your feelings.
Try to express yourself from a calm and balanced frame of mind. Your words will have more effect if you are able to express them from a strong, healthy standpoint.
Remember that you are doing this for you. It may also help the relationship, but your main motivation for communicating and expressing your feelings is your commitment to living a truthful life, free from resentment.
Forgiveness is your own personal honor. The ability to wholly and truly forgive is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give yourself.
Forgiveness sets you free from resentment’s confines; it breaks down the walls that anger builds and negativity reinforces.
When we forgive, we stop letting ours pasts dictate our presents. We acknowledge we want the very best for ourselves; accepting that our past makes us the person we are today, and embracing that.
Letting go of resentment doesn’t necessarily lead to forgiveness, but when you embrace forgiveness, resentment ceases to exist.
When we commit to expressing ourselves fully, we become stronger, more confident, and more aware.
We cannot control what other people do, but we can control how we react. When we practice truthful living, self-expression, and forgiveness, resentment simply has no place or power in our lives.
As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.
Here are some ideas to get you started:
- Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
- Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
- Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.
- Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
- Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
- Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
- Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
- Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
- Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
- Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.
- Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
- Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
- Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
- Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
- Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
- Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
- Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
- Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
- Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
- Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.
- Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
- Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
- Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.
- Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.
- Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
- Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
- Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.
- Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
- Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
- Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.
“Give me one more medicated peaceful moment”
My current playlist = awesomez0rz
Cry me a river
We are the wolverines
Star no star
if i were queen
reaching through to the other side